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Am I Losing My Mind?

October 25, 2009

Once again we had an argument last night.  My husband of 32 years and I have had at least one or two disagreements over time.  I will never understand how he can put up with me.  One minute I’m sweating like I’ve been in the Boston Marathon, the next I’m calm and cool and collected and the next I have become an irrational screeching non-human.  What was I upset about?  It took a little talking, but I think it came down to my fear of rejection from our adopted son.  I had gone to pick him up from his after school care and he had started in.  Why are you here so early?   I’m not, it’s time to go.  Why?  What’s the hurry?  It’s time to go, let’s go, these people want to go home!  Okay, just one more ………….. Let’s go.  I swear if I told that boy the sun was up, he would argue with me, no, it’s coming up, it’s not up all the way yet. 

I think what it comes down to is I am so very scared that I am not being a good enough mom and that he may not think of me as his mom when he gets older.  I know I am being silly, I am the only mother he has ever really known.  He does think of me as his mother, of course he does. For heaven’s sake, we have the paper work to prove it!   My husband says I should not take it personally, just let it go.  It’s my own insecurities that I am letting get in the way.  Remember, your are in the middle of menopause and your hormones are going crazy.  Oh that, how could I forget?  Of course, it’s because I’ve lost my ever lovin’ mind! 

I just need to keep reminding myself;

1.  I can only do the best that I can, that’s all anybody can do.  I need to let it go.

2.  When I know better, I will do better, so I just have to keep on trying and improving, and remember to give myself a break.

3.  I am 51 and experiencing the thrills of menopause, depression, and anxiety.  It’s a wonder I am functioning at all.  I would tell others to not put such unreasonable expectations on themselves, so why on earth do I put them on myself ?  Isn’t that just being a little arrogant, really?  Thinking I can do better  than I would think others could?

3. What was our goal when we adopted him?  Oh yes, to raise him to be the dysfunctional in need of therapy adult like everyone else in the world.  We do want him to fit in, don’t we!

4. I need to keep watching super nanny- just one viewing and I know I am not really as bad as all that:)

2 Comments leave one →
  1. srlsfamily permalink
    October 25, 2009 12:55 pm

    Thanks for visiting my blog. We definitely have a lot in common. My 7 year old gives me such a hard time about leaving his afterschool care that I feel bad if I get out of work early! – oh that is unless I am taking him (and him alone) somewhere! He is the most cuddly and loving kid at other times, but…it is definitely upsetting. For me, well, the other 3 always run up to me excited to see me when I arrive (and he does on occasion…but then says he wants to play basketball for a few more minutes!)

  2. October 25, 2009 1:50 pm

    I think part of it is the age, and a boy thing. When I slow down, take a breath, stop and think, I’ve noticed that a lot of other mom’s get the same reaaction. It’s just that I’m so focused and busy beating myself up, I forget I’m not the only one getting the ….. please, just one more basket…….thing. Thanks for leaving the comment.

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