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The Second Miscarriage

October 5, 2009

There is nothing quite so exciting as hearing those words you have been waiting for, you’re pregnant.  We were so excited.  We were still very young, not really ready yet, didn’t have the money, but we were still so very happy.  We made quick phone calls and visits to parents.  None of us had even the slightest worries.  Why should we?  The doctor had said there should be no problems.  I was young and in good health.  Come back and see me, they will set up the appointment for you before you leave.  Get started on your vitamins, call if you have any problems.  We were both walking on air.  Oh, that little germ of fear was there, but I just pushed it away, refused to pick it up.  Just like when you check out the caller ID on your phone.  You see it, but just don’t answer, just let it go.  I was feeling great!  School was great, our marriage was great.  We knew we would figure it all out as we went along.  Then, one morning I say a very small spot of blood on my underwear.  Just one tiny little spot. My mind began screaming, oh no! No, No, No!  I skipped classes and called the doctor.  The nurse started to just blow me off!  Oh, that’s normal.  You don’t need to see the doctor.  I became almost hysterical.  Yes, I would see the doctor, and today!  If you don’t give me an appointment, I’ll just come and sit in your office until you do.  I will see the doctor today.  My husband could not go, he said call me if there is anything wrong.  He was so assuring, you’ll be all right.  I just knew I wouldn’t.  I went to see the doctor.  He examined me and said, in a rather surprised tone of voice, you’re not pregnant anymore.  What?  This just can’t be happening, not again!  I could barely understand what he was saying.  Yes, I had been pregnant, but was not now.  I would need to go in for a D&C.  No, there was no explanation.  But I was young, I would have plenty other babies.  I can still hear his voice, no problem, you have plenty babies, plenty babies.  This time I did not believe him.  I wanted to scream at him, how do you know?  You can’t even tell me what happened.  Instead, I just cried.  Another hospital visit, another baby gone.  Bill and I were devastated.  Once again, the stories of women who had lost 4, 5, even 9 babies before they had one come to term came flooding back into my mind. How could anyone live through that?   I didn’t think I could handle another loss.  The baby was gone.  The dreams were gone.  The hurt that cuts so deep that you don’t know how you can even keep breathing.  We had not told anyone except our parents, but the whole family knew pretty quickly what had happened.  You know, the hushed voices, the quick phone calls, what was going to be is no longer.  No, they hadn’t told anyone.  Yes, it is sad.  Oh, sure, they’ll have other babies.  Funny, the one good thing about the miscarriage, everyone stopped asking us when we were going to have kids.  The word was out, I was damaged goods, don’t talk about it, just ignore it, it will all workout.  After all, isn’t there a “plan” that we are supposed to be patient and wait for?  Once again, a piece of me died.  Some plan.  How does one go on?  You just do.  You change, you question, you focus on other things.  Most of all, you learn to put things in little boxes in your mind.  I’ll worry about that later, when I can handle it better.  The only problem with that is, sometimes, you never really deal with it.  In my case, not for years.  I guess, I’m still dealing with it even today.  Like I said, some plan!–>

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