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Adoption – the painful questions

September 20, 2009
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Once again the usual painful questions come from our adopted son.  What was my tummy mom like?  What did she look like?  Was she fat like you?  Was she old like you?  Why?  His voice trails off.  It cuts right thru me like ice.  The implied question is can I go back to her?  Would my life be better with her?  I give him the same answers.  She couldn’t raise you.  She gave birth to you, but God sent you to us.  You are supposed to be here.  You can’t go back.  She is not your real mommy, I am.  She would never be able to take care of you, she has an illness that never goes away and makes her sick all the time.  No, she is not dead, but she can’t take care of you.  Inside my heart is breaking.  I knew this would be what it would be like to have an adopted child.  I know in my mind that he loves me, and will always know that I am his mother, but my heart is unsure.  I so desperately love him and can’t imagine life without him.  I know with every fiber of my body, he is my child, sent to us by God, but am I enough?

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. lighthousegal permalink
    November 1, 2009 10:44 pm

    I can remember the first time each of my girls asked about their “bellybutton mommies”. Both times my heart broke because I did not and probably never will have any answers for them – my girls are both internationally adopted and I have no information on their first parents. It is a heartbreaking moment. But I think it is natural for a child to wonder about things – I remember wondering about grandparents that had died before I was born. It was not that the ones surviving were “not good enough”, it was more just wanting information.

  2. November 2, 2009 6:37 am

    Thanks for the encouraging words. You are right, of course he should be curious, of course he should feel free to ask me anything. Thanks for reminding me! Not feeling good enough comes from me, not my son. My husband keeps saying not to take it personally. Easy for him to say, he’s not the one getting all the questions. I can’t wait for his day to come and see if he can remember to not take it personally 🙂

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