Thank you for visiting my site. As you can see, I have just started. Keep checking out the pages because I will keep adding to them as I remember more stories. Please, feel free to share some of your stories!
I hope you will come back and visit often. Remember, I’m just a slightly un-stable menopausal mom, pre-geezer hood, trying to keep a foot in the modern world while raising a son, keeping a job, and holding on for dear life to my husband , family, and friends.
Let’s share our madness !!!!!!!!!!
I can hear my son and his friend upstairs. There are lots of bumps and thumps , I don’t even want to go look. Most of all, there is laughter. Sweet laughter of two 8 yr old boys doing heaven knows what. It lifts my spirits. I can’t be doing everything wrong and still have such a happy child. His laughter sweeps thru the house like beams of light from God. As much as I get frustrated at his behavior sometimes, I just can’t even remember life without him. Just letting him be a kid, with his best friend, being silly, making fishing poles from hockey sticks, digging for worms in our neighbor’s yard! Completely destroying the whole house with his high energy, creativeness, and his chocolate lab. Can life get better than that? Here’s to the laughter of a child, my son:)
There is no doubt in my mind that adoption is often thought of as second best, second-rate. “Oh how sad they couldn’t have their own child! Isn’t is wonderful how they took that little boy in. ” “I just think it is so wonderful you could adopt, I just don’t think I could ever do that.” “Does he know he is adopted, will you tell him?” (Just a side note, this comment I always find extremely ridiculous. My son is biracial and my husband and myself are white. How could we not tell him? Get real people !) Anyway, on and on the comments come and go, mindless, thoughtless, well-intentioned I’m sure, but none the less, hurtful. At times, we even find ourselves thinking the very same things, if we are willing to be honest and admit it.
Which made me start thinking, how can we change this?
It suddenly came to me, maybe we should shout it from the rooftops, with pride and celebration. Yes, I adopted my son. Of course with our families and friends there is always much celebration, but as time goes on, people just stop talking about it. My closest family members often say, I just don’t think of him as being adopted. There it is again. The implication being that he is not as good as.
Maybe the best way to fight this mind-set is to start talking about it more. How about if we viewed adoption from a different perspective. Aren’t we all humans? Aren’t we all children of God, each one of us a unique creation ? In this country, aren’t we supposed to view everyone as equal? How dare we imply that someone is less, because they were adopted. Why aren’t we, as a society, filled with outrage that anyone is viewed as second-rate, second best? Why, as adoptive parents do we find ourselves trying to defend our children, our motives and ourselves? Do birth parents defend their decision to have a child? Are they asked about their motives to have a child? Sometimes yes, but very rarely to their face. Yet people see no problem asking these same questions of adoptive parents and to their face! Why don’t we just prattle on and on about all the details of the adoption just like parents do about children they have given birth to? How many times have you been told birth weight, inches, the details of labor, without even asking? As a society, what does it say about us that so many children, right here, right now, need a home? Shouldn’t we view all children as blessing from God? Shouldn’t we be outraged that so many children go without a loving home? What will become of us if we don’t take care of these children? Don’t people love to spout the adage, “It takes a village.”? Well, if that is true, then aren’t we responsible to do the best we can for all children, without distinction ?
I don’t know. I’m just wondering out loud so to speak. I do know that something has to change in the way we view adoption. This idea that it is second best, second-rate is like something out of the 50’s. What year is this? I do know it is crucial for our children, for all children and our future that this “stigma” is faced openly, questioned, and dealt with.
How can we change this hidden negative stigma that adoption still has ?
When I was about 16, I distinctly remember watching my mother try on a pair of pants, elastic waisted, with total disdain. I will never wear “granny” pants like that, I will always wear pants with a zipper, I told her! How can you were those things?My how things have changed!
Help, I am becoming my mother. How do I know? Check these tips:)
10 Ways To Know You Are Becoming Your Mother!
- You find elastic waisted pants comfortable and wear them daily to work. You do save a little face by NOT tucking in your shirt.
- You talk to anybody that will listen at the grocery store, or any other public place while you are shopping. You talk without shame and even enjoy talking to total strangers about anything that comes to mind. The filter between your brain and mouth has disappeared.
- You try on clothes over your clothes in the aisles at stores, again with no shame or embarrassment. After all, it does save time doesn’t it?
- You complain often about small print. How can they expect a person to read this! This small print is just ridiculous and rather thoughtless of the goof balls that print it this small.
- You actually worry and listen to all the news reports about Social Security, Medicare, and what the government is doing.
- You carry your own personal fan, year-round, and love it!, feeling sorry your mother didn’t have one herself when she just used anything handy as a “fan”, like your homework, checkbook, or napkins.
- You read the obituaries, daily, relieved when there is no one you know, and you don’t see your own name as well.
- You find that you would rather take a nap above doing almost anything else. Besides, you just fall asleep without even knowing it. You just can’t help it.
- You have found new hobbies, like putting together puzzles of pretty scenes, falling asleep while reading the paper, and buy and do those word puzzle books. And you really love those puzzles!
- You look in the mirror one morning, scream with shock, then realize that it is you, not a surprise visit from your mom, hiding in your bathroom.
My son thinks he’s Gordan Ramsey. He loves to make his own food. Now remember, he is 8 yrs. old. And yes, we adopted him when he was 2.
Maybe it’s because we waited so long for him to come to us. Maybe it’s because he is an only child. Maybe it’s because he’s so dog gone cute and smart. Maybe it’s because we are a little older. In any case, it’s not surprising that we indulge him just a little . We at least try to keep it down to things that are relatively harmless and have little importance in the long room. Hence, he is allowed to “experiment” freely in the kitchen with food.
Last night he was fixing what he called, ” my amazing tacos”. I wondered, what he is cooking up now? His ingredients? Well, . . . . . he took a slice of olive loaf, then spread mustard all over it, sprinkled shredded cheese and rolled it up into a wrap shape form. He said he had wanted to use Miracle Whip, but we were out, so mustard it was. He begged and begged me to have a taste. Come on mom, just try it, you’ll like it. No, thanks honey, I’m not really hungry right now. M….O……M..!!! You are my mother, and if you really loved me, you would try it!
Well, what can I say. My heart melted, unlike the cheese, and I gave in to his request. Oh my, that is good! It’s just that I’m not a big mustard fan. He looked at me, with a grin as bright as the sun! I knew you would like it, they’re great aren’t they? Oh yes, they are the best.
Yes, he is my son and always will be. Only a true son could entice his mother to try such a “taco”! Here’s to my future chef! 
Once again I have stayed up way past my bedtime, enjoying my new hobby of cruising the blog sites. I should know better by now. When it’s late, I’m tired, things always look very bleak.
The older I get, I find I am dealing with grief more and more. I am also beginning to understand how really odd and quirky this grief thing is. As I got to thinking about it, I decided to make a list of the causes for grief. I know that somewhere out there, someone else has all ready got this all figured out. Not me! So, here is my self-help, home spun way of sorting it all out.
The Surprising Sources of Grief
1.The most obvious is that grief can be the result of an actual physical death of a loved one. I need not say more.
2. Grief can come from the loss of a dream. To me, this is the most complicated. There will be no formal wakes, no flowers sent, nothing to bury, no headstone to visit. To my mind, this makes the loss harder to deal with. Others are more often to not recognize that you’ve had a “REAL” loss, therefore no support, or kinds words, and sometimes no acknowledgement of the loss at all.
Examples:
A. The birth of a child with a disability. I will never forgive myself for my lack of understanding and sympathy for my cousin when she gave birth to a daughter with Down’s Syndrome. I just thought about all the platitudes I had heard before about Down’s. “She” will be a blessing in your life. “She” is a gift from God. ” She” will be able to do lots of things , her outcome is not without hope. “She” will shine with a pure and simple joy for life. Yes, those things may be true, but now I know – what a crock! What was I thinking! I wasn’t. It was many years later, that I learned of how my poor cousin felt cut off, would cry for hours, how the doctors wouldn’t tell her at first, how no one seemed to understand what she was going thru. It was a very difficult time for her. She was experiencing the death of the daughter she thought she was going to have. The dream of what she thought her daughter would be. Why couldn’t I see that? Why wasn’t I there for her? My cousin also experiences that same death every time her daughter does not meet the same milestones that other girls her age do. She is continually experiencing deaths at every birthday. Of course she loves her daughter. Of course she can hardly think of life without her in it. But there are those days that she doesn’t. There are many days she mourns for the daughter that will never be.
B. I just came across a wonderful site that talks about the grief that comes with a failed adoption. Honestly, I had just never really thought about it. My husband and I never had any intention of adopting an infant. I did not know anyone personally who had gone that route. But when I came across this site, I was filled with so much sorrow for this couple that it made my heart weep. They have put together a free booklet about how to deal with this type of loss. It’s free and I highly recommend it to anyone who is dealing with grief . It is well written and most of it can be helpful and useful to anyone experiencing grief of any kind. Go to http://alovingfamily.info/adoptionbooklet.html They also spoke of another site: www.grief.com I hope you find this helpful. Trust me, we all deal with grief sometime!
C. The loss of a pregnancy, the whispered about, rarely talked about, miscarriage. Since to some, it never was really a “baby”, most people just think you’ll move on quickly. Usually most miscarriages happen very early. So a lot of people think, well, you really weren’t pregnant very long, how bad can it be? It’s not like you lost a baby or anything. Oh really? Just ask any woman or couple who has experienced this pain. It was real, it was a baby, it was a child that never even got a chance! Then, with some miscarriages, there comes the guilt that maybe it was for the best. How could you be relieved that your baby died? What kind of person could you be to even think that? Or there can be the self-inflicted guilt of what did I do wrong? Why me, why my child? I must have done something wrong to cause this. And of course, the doctors are rarely any help. No, I’m sorry, these things just happen. No, we really don’t have any answers for you. This happens to many women. Sorry doc, still not helpful. but knowing about grief and how to deal, IS!
3. The grief that comes with a life changing event.
Examples:
A. Probably the most odd and hard to recognize grief is the one that comes with any life changing event. The really weird thing is that this change can be a positive change or a negative change. The loss of a job, obvious grief even if you hated the job anyway. A promotion at your job. I can hear you saying, what grief? You just got a promotion, that is a good thing! But when you have a life changing event, it is surprising that you will go thru the same stages. I know you’ve heard the old adage, change is difficult and uncomfortable. Yes, because you are experiencing a type of grief for what was. Another example, when one has a baby, or adopts a child, their will be grief. Anyone heard of post-partum depression ? Yes, it even happens when a child is adopted. Yes, this is a happy event, one you wanted. Yet, there will be a part of you grieving for who you were, and are no longer. I think you get the idea.
Yes, grief is a tricky monster that seems to lurk at every turn. The good news is that grief works best in the dark. So put it out there, look it in the face, acknowledge it, get someone to listen to you and share with them. It is my hope that it will make you stronger , wiser, more compassionate and aware of the grief that others may be feeling and not even aware of . Knowledge is power, use it! Pass it on:)
As I was sitting, chatting with some fellow teachers, we got into the topic of menopause. It had been rather light-hearted at first. Lots of jokes about “personal summers” and so on. Then, I shared how difficult it had been to hear that final pronouncement, …you are in menopause. I had been harboring a tiny little spark in my heart that someday I might have a baby, a live, full term baby. I knew it was not going to happen, but as long as I was having periods, it just might, right?
I then went onto talk about the comments we had gotten when we adopted our son. Oh, what a wonderful thing to do,………you know you’ll get pregnant now…. and on and on. As I talked, I suddenly realized that the underlying implications of those comments were that adoptions were second best, that I was flawed, how sad I couldn’t have a baby of my own. As I said it out loud, I realized it was true. Another teacher said, well, isn’t that what you were doing? If you couldn’t have a baby of your own, then you adopted one, right? It really hit something inside me, that is what people thought, wasn’t it? I said, actually no, we had planned to adopt whether we had a birth child of our own or not. She quickly stopped talking . I also said our son, is our child! I even have the paper work to prove it The teacher next to me said that her sister was adopted and that I was “right on”! High fives were exchanged.
It put my mind to thinking. If we had given birth to a child, would we really have gone on to adopt as well? I think we would have, but I can’t be sure. When we adopted our son, we promised that we would go back and adopt a daughter as well. It has been 6 years and we haven’t done that yet. Our son has taken all our time and energy. We hadn’t counted on what a wallop menopause would hit me with.
It is surprising how quickly and at such odd times that we suddenly get little insights that we hadn’t thought of before. I see now. There is a little bit of prejudice regarding adoption. It goes unrecognized, is very subtle, and not talked about.
What do you think?
I was talking to some parents at the parent/teacher conference night. Just chit chat really. Then, someone said something, and I got on my soap box. Won’t someone please take it away from me? You would think by now, I would know better. Oh well, there I went again.
I don’t remember the comment that started me , but off I went. Don’t you realize how important 3rd grade is? It and 7th grade are the two most pivotal grades. That’s why I am so freaking out about making sure our son is getting it. Everything they will learn in 4th-6th grade , the foundation happens in third! Look at the curriculum. It’s the same, they just keep adding more details. If they don’t get these fundamentals now, they are in big trouble.
The parent looked at me in complete astonishment. Really? Are you sure? Yes! I’ve taught 4th – 6th grades, I know the curriculum. Look it up on the state website, check out the standards for yourself. Gosh, I just never thought of that.
I even argued with a fellow teacher the next day, a 3rd grade teacher. We both agreed that 3rd grade was crucial. Then she said, 7th was the next time they really introduced new concepts. I said like what, she said algebra. I said, even that just really comes down to addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division. We ended up agreeing. 3rd grade is THE grade. Now, I don’t feel quite like such a psycho worrying about my son’s grades and homework.
Hey teachers out there, what grade do you think is crucial, and or a pivotal turning point? Just wondering?
Good News, Great News!!! Our son’s first report card in 3rd grade was all A’s, B’s, with only one C!!!! We are so happy he is doing so well in school this year. He is really making and effort and his teacher is a great match for him. She has his number!
So, we had let him choose which place to go and eat after the teacher/parent conference and getting the great news! So, of we went to Golden Corral, or as my husband calls it, the Trough, as in pig trough. We had a nice meal, celebrating his good grades. Then the ride home, and it hit the fan.
It all started so innocently, doesn’t it always? We were discussing our son’s fall break vacation days, and that mine weren’t the same, and that daddy didn’t get a fall break. Then he said it, the remark I will never let him live down!!! Well, son, if you have a REAL JOB, then you work holidays. Without a beat, the voice from the back seat gasped, You mean mommy doesn’t have a REAL JOB? Well, in business, I interrupted him with and imitation of a back hoe diggin a deeper whole. Our son, started laughing, my husband started sputtering something about, I didn’t mean it like that. Oh really I said. By this time our son, was enjoy my play anger, daddy’s being in trouble, just the whole thing was funny. I smarted back, it’s a good thing your son is in the car or I would be ripping you to shreds, but I wouldn’t do that in front of your son, he thinks your great. Our son quipped back, Yes, I do. Our son heaved a big sigh, and said, women……they just don’t understand men!
By this time I was having a hard time not laughing, my hubby was trying to not laugh, and was still squirming at his foot in mouth slip up. I said, how about if mommy quits her not real job, and we find out how not a real job it is, huh? Daddy quickly added, mommy makes real money! Well, how about I take my real money from my not real job, and let you both just live on daddy’s money from his REAL job! By this time, we were all 3 laughing, and joking about how our son and daddy might have to live in a car, mommy does have a real job, and I just kept doing “the back hoe”. Don’t you just love it when your husband really says something so dumb! Believe me, I have gotten a lot of mileage from that one, and intend to get more! Here’s to our husbands, opening mouths and inserting foot!
I tried to do a sticky post and just wanted to find out if it worked.
Wow, it worked! This blog thing is really becoming so much more that I ever thought it would. I find it surprisingly fun and not so difficult. I’m loving seeing what’s going on out there in the world, and it is definately cheaper than therapy!
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